Overload Stress

Here is a post I wrote a couple of years ago during a high point of stress in my life...may it encourage you as it has done tonight for me :)

A couple posts back I wrote in regards to being happy in an economic crisis and every word I wrote was sincere and honest regarding how I feel one is able to be happy in an economic crisis. But, acquiring and maintaining happiness and a positive attitude does become harder when after four months, both the father and mother of the family do not have full-time jobs save the tutoring and freelance writing jobs that occur here and there and these certainly do not pay the bills! Having five kids, bills to pay, food to put on the table, gas in the car, and many other obligations that require money to fulfill them has now evoked the feeling of almost despair. It’s as if I’m swimming across the Atlantic Ocean (without a life boat, buoy, or other helpful device) and I’m struggling to keep my head above water! So, how do I bury the burdens and reflect a positive, loving, caring attitude so that my children do not suspect anything is wrong and so that my husband does not pick up an erroneous vibe which says I am disappointed in him?

Stress! Who here doesn’t understand nor underestimate that word? No doubt many of us long for the days of childhood where life seemed so carefree and no worries or burdens pressed down upon us and yet we are grown now, facing real obligations with real consequences if they are not met and yet we can still be happy and function as a good parent, a good family. Just this morning I was thinking about all that has to be done around our home (purchase a new lawn mower because the other one broke -we have 2 acres to mow-, buy gym shoes for my oldest daughter – any cheap kind will do, make a grocery list and buy the items, etc) when I realized that my list of things to do or purchase is never going to fade away! And then I began to sorta hyperventilate in that I also realized that even though my husband and I have no jobs, our school loans are to begin repayment by the middle of the summer!

That last thought was extremely heavy and I wanted to cry but then I heard this tiny giggle and wouldn’t you know, it was my infant daughter. She had just surpassed a major accomplishment: crawling up the entire set of stairs to the living room where I was sitting, thinking on the couch. She looked at me, giggled, and began a victory dance. She has struggled for a month or so trying to get up the entire set of stairs and yet she never gave up and today was her moment of truth: she can do it! And she did do it! I smiled at her, showed her “spirit fingers” (Bring it On – cheerleading movie) and rejoiced with her in her accomplishment.

And then it hit me – my husband and I are struggling to find jobs and keep our heads afloat but there will eventually be a victory dance for us. One in which we get jobs and can feel the fulfillment in meeting our obligations. But if the victory dance comes later than sooner, I can keep my head above water by revelling in the smallest victories that my children accomplish each day. And maybe that’s why I don’t have a paid monetary job for my purpose right now must be to remain at home with my young children and watch them grow and be there to support them in their daily accomplishments/victories. And I’m totally fine with that! 

She's Gonna Blow!!!!

I feel like I'm a featured act at a circus.  I am a clown who is juggling too many items, all of which are different shapes and sizes, and at any given moment, I will lose my act and all items will come crashing to the floor with a resounding "thud!"  The audience for which I perform seem to enjoy watching the crazy clown struggle and they think the clown is having fun but in reality this clown is frustrated and about ready to chuck everything out the window.  Or rather the clown is ready to throw the random objects into the audience.  That would give the clown a good laugh and boy does this clown need a laugh to ease some stress!

I have a problem and I am ready to admit this flaw.  I am a super-crazy-wants-to-be-involved-in-everything-under-God's-sun type of gal.  If my child is involved in an extra-curricular activity, I want to be the "Team Mom" or "Fill-in-the-blank Mom" so as to show support for my child.  I do not like to sit on the sidelines which is a good attitude to have in life because it's best to be a participant than a spectator but maybe I'm participating in too many things which is causing me to be a little short at times with those whom I love most in my life.  So because of this "get-me-involved" attitude, I'm short-tempered, stressed, tired, worn-out, and ready to chuck some of these extra-curriculars out the window.

I have thought about all of this deeply for the past week or so and I've come to the conclusion that it is time to give up at least one of the tutoring jobs I have because it's taken entirely too much time away from kids.  And I get paid $10 an hour to tutor 4 kids at one time.  Doesn't sound too great, right?  But I was drawn to take the job because I wanted to help meet some financial needs for our family but it's not worth the time and effort I put into the job.  I love to teach, tutor, and interact with students but if I'm not being the homeschool mom/teacher I need to be, then it's time to quit the job.  And I hate to quit because I am a firm believer that when you start something, you finish it!  But at the same time I'm a firm believer in family so if I'm doing something that takes away quality time with my kids...well, it's time to chuck it.

I need to learn how to not take on everything.  I need to remember to focus on the priorities in life: support and love my husband and kids.  Everything else is SECONDARY.  Why do I feel like I have yet to learn this lesson?  I continue my juggling act for now...just a little bit longer...

I am Mommy - Hear Me Roar!!!

Ever have one of those days where you feel like retiring, giving up, throwing in the hat and never looking back?  This morning I reached my breaking point.  I called my husband and told him that I can't take it anymore.  I want a vacation - all by myself - and I want to quit my job as homeschool teacher, mommy, secretary, taxi driver, maid - whatever title I have with regards to taking care of this family.  At that moment, I was ready to give it all away (my entire life) to the first taker.

What hurled me into this state of mind?  The morning began as any other - waking up to my baby crying, wanting to be nursed, and then going downstairs to make coffee for my husband and prepare his lunch for the workday.  I then enjoyed some breakfast myself while I chatted with my husband and a few moments later the other five children awoke and came down to begin the day as well.  After we all kissed Daddy good-bye, I went into the classroom to check my email and make my "To-Do" list as I do each morning.  I noticed I was missing a couple of items so I asked my oldest son to bring the items downstairs.  A couple minutes later my son returned with all my things as well as a 32 oz. cup filled with water.  I don't know who or what overtook his brain for a mere 2 seconds but whoever/whatever inhabited it, caused my son to royally screw up. 

My son decided that the best place to set my items would be on his computer printer even though there was a massive kidney-shape table behind him, empty, that would have enjoyed, and was fully capable of, holding the items for a few minutes.  As he bent over to set down the items, the 32 oz. cup spilled out its entire contents all over the front of the printer, down the side of the printer, and into every crack and crevice of the printer.  This is not our printer because it belongs to the virtual school for which my son attends.  I am expected to return this printer, in mint condition, to the school in June and now here it was dripping with water and the ink from the ink cartridges was oozing out onto my carpet.

I did what any insane woman would do - I jumped up, yanked out the cords, and started shaking the water out of the printer.  I yelled at my son to find me towels and a blow dryer.  I screamed insults, pulled my hair, stomped my feet, and yelled, in Nancy Kerrigan-like-fashion, "Why me?  Why ME?!?!?!"  My girls came running to the classroom door to see what could possibly have prompted Mommy to react so strangely.  I felt like it was an out-of-body experience as I yelled, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!" over and over again as I frantically dried out the printer. 

I began to cry out of frustration and guilt.  No, my son was not stupid; it was just an accident.  But the stress level had errupted and I took it out on my son.  How many times have I accidentally spilled water near my own computer?  Did I behave like an idiot-woman then?  No.  How many times have I gotten my cell phone slightly wet and yet it still worked?  Did I insult myself by calling me "stupid?"  Well, sometimes but I never responded to the situation in drama-queen/insane-woman fashion as I did this morning with my son.  I caused him to cry and I felt horrible!  I had done what the Bible says not to do (Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath) - the verse also applies to mothers and here I was breaking this commandment.  I am sure I caused my son to cry in anger, not out of regret, because it's not as if he spilled the water on purpose.  Afterall, he was obeying and being helpful by bringing my items downstairs.

My children heard me roar this morning and it wasn't pleasant.  The lesson learned here is that kids are kids and sometimes a crazy monster does take their brain hostage and they do foolish things which may sometimes be costly.  But, that's a kid's prerogative, right?  I constantly did equally foolish things with electronics when I was my son's age.  I broke my family's VCR player by cramming in a video because I thought I was gently nudging it in when there was in fact another video in the player already.  I broke my parents' electrical mirrors on the station wagon because I wanted to see what was in my teeth.  How stupid was that?  One mirror wasn't enough, I had to try the other one!!!  Come on, now! 

So why did I lose it with my son and roar?  Because I'm stressed with financial burdens?  Or because I've had lack of sleep this past week due to guests?  Who cares what the reason/excuse, I hurt my son and the words and behavior I displayed...I cringe to think what I looked like to my children!  I can never take back those words and actions.  I did apologize to all the kids after I eventually calmed down and I asked their forgiveness.  I also prayed to God - in front of them - that He would forgive Mommy for being unkind and acting unwisely.  I don't want to crush my kids' spirits - they are beautiful souls - now all I can do is to remember daily to pray for God's strength and love to surround me as I interact with my kids and respond sanely to all the foolish things they may do :)

Barely Keeping Head Above Water

A couple posts back I wrote in regards to being happy in an economic crisis and every word I wrote was sincere and honest regarding how I feel one is able to be happy in an economic crisis. But, acquiring and maintaining happiness and a positive attitude does become harder when after four months, both the father and mother of the family do not have full-time jobs save the tutoring and freelance writing jobs that occur here and there and these certainly do not pay the bills!Having five kids, bills to pay, food to put on the table, gas in the car, and many other obligations that require money to fulfill them has now evoked the feeling of almost despair. It's as if I'm swimming across the Atlantic Ocean (without a life boat, buoy, or other helpful device) and I'm struggling to keep my head above water! So, how do I bury the burdens and reflect a positive, loving, caring attitude so that my children do not suspect anything is wrong and so that my husband does not pick up an erroneous vibe which says I am disappointed in him?

Stress! Who here doesn't understand nor underestimate that word? No doubt many of us long for the days of childhood where life seemed so carefree and no worries or burdens pressed down upon us and yet we are grown now, facing real obligations with real consequences if they are not met and yet we can still be happy and function as a good parent, a good family. Just this morning I was thinking about all that has to be done around our home (purchase a new lawn mower because the other one broke and we have 2 acres to mow, buy gym shoes for my oldest daughter - any cheap kind will do, make a grocery list and buy the items, etc) when I realized that my list of things to do or purchase is never going to fade away! And then I began to sorta hyperventilate in that I also realized that even though my husband and I have no jobs, our school loans are to begin repayment by the middle of the summer!

So, that last thought was extrememly heavy and I wanted to cry but then I heard this tiny giggle and wouldn't you know, it was my infant daughter. She had just surpassed a major accomplishment: crawling up the entire set of stairs to the living room where I was sitting, thinking on the couch. She looked at me, giggled, and began a victory dance. She has struggled for a month or so trying to get up the entire set of stairs and yet she never gave up and today was her moment of truth: she can do it! And she did do it! I smiled at her, showed her "spirit fingers" (Bring it On - cheerleading movie) and rejoiced with her in her accomplishment. And then it hit me - my husband and I are struggling to find jobs and keep our heads afloat but there will eventually be a victory dance for us. One in which we get jobs and can feel the fulfillment in meeting our obligations. But if the victory dance comes later than sooner, I can keep my head above water by revelling in the smallest victories that my children accomplish each day. And maybe that's why I don't have a paid monetary job for my purpose right now must be to remain at home with my young children and watch them grow and be there to support them in their daily accomplishments/victories. And I'm totally fine with that! :-)