I am Mommy - Hear Me Roar!!!

Ever have one of those days where you feel like retiring, giving up, throwing in the hat and never looking back?  This morning I reached my breaking point.  I called my husband and told him that I can't take it anymore.  I want a vacation - all by myself - and I want to quit my job as homeschool teacher, mommy, secretary, taxi driver, maid - whatever title I have with regards to taking care of this family.  At that moment, I was ready to give it all away (my entire life) to the first taker.

What hurled me into this state of mind?  The morning began as any other - waking up to my baby crying, wanting to be nursed, and then going downstairs to make coffee for my husband and prepare his lunch for the workday.  I then enjoyed some breakfast myself while I chatted with my husband and a few moments later the other five children awoke and came down to begin the day as well.  After we all kissed Daddy good-bye, I went into the classroom to check my email and make my "To-Do" list as I do each morning.  I noticed I was missing a couple of items so I asked my oldest son to bring the items downstairs.  A couple minutes later my son returned with all my things as well as a 32 oz. cup filled with water.  I don't know who or what overtook his brain for a mere 2 seconds but whoever/whatever inhabited it, caused my son to royally screw up. 

My son decided that the best place to set my items would be on his computer printer even though there was a massive kidney-shape table behind him, empty, that would have enjoyed, and was fully capable of, holding the items for a few minutes.  As he bent over to set down the items, the 32 oz. cup spilled out its entire contents all over the front of the printer, down the side of the printer, and into every crack and crevice of the printer.  This is not our printer because it belongs to the virtual school for which my son attends.  I am expected to return this printer, in mint condition, to the school in June and now here it was dripping with water and the ink from the ink cartridges was oozing out onto my carpet.

I did what any insane woman would do - I jumped up, yanked out the cords, and started shaking the water out of the printer.  I yelled at my son to find me towels and a blow dryer.  I screamed insults, pulled my hair, stomped my feet, and yelled, in Nancy Kerrigan-like-fashion, "Why me?  Why ME?!?!?!"  My girls came running to the classroom door to see what could possibly have prompted Mommy to react so strangely.  I felt like it was an out-of-body experience as I yelled, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!" over and over again as I frantically dried out the printer. 

I began to cry out of frustration and guilt.  No, my son was not stupid; it was just an accident.  But the stress level had errupted and I took it out on my son.  How many times have I accidentally spilled water near my own computer?  Did I behave like an idiot-woman then?  No.  How many times have I gotten my cell phone slightly wet and yet it still worked?  Did I insult myself by calling me "stupid?"  Well, sometimes but I never responded to the situation in drama-queen/insane-woman fashion as I did this morning with my son.  I caused him to cry and I felt horrible!  I had done what the Bible says not to do (Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath) - the verse also applies to mothers and here I was breaking this commandment.  I am sure I caused my son to cry in anger, not out of regret, because it's not as if he spilled the water on purpose.  Afterall, he was obeying and being helpful by bringing my items downstairs.

My children heard me roar this morning and it wasn't pleasant.  The lesson learned here is that kids are kids and sometimes a crazy monster does take their brain hostage and they do foolish things which may sometimes be costly.  But, that's a kid's prerogative, right?  I constantly did equally foolish things with electronics when I was my son's age.  I broke my family's VCR player by cramming in a video because I thought I was gently nudging it in when there was in fact another video in the player already.  I broke my parents' electrical mirrors on the station wagon because I wanted to see what was in my teeth.  How stupid was that?  One mirror wasn't enough, I had to try the other one!!!  Come on, now! 

So why did I lose it with my son and roar?  Because I'm stressed with financial burdens?  Or because I've had lack of sleep this past week due to guests?  Who cares what the reason/excuse, I hurt my son and the words and behavior I displayed...I cringe to think what I looked like to my children!  I can never take back those words and actions.  I did apologize to all the kids after I eventually calmed down and I asked their forgiveness.  I also prayed to God - in front of them - that He would forgive Mommy for being unkind and acting unwisely.  I don't want to crush my kids' spirits - they are beautiful souls - now all I can do is to remember daily to pray for God's strength and love to surround me as I interact with my kids and respond sanely to all the foolish things they may do :)

A Name to Love

There are days when I wish I could change my name because all I ever hear - almost 24/7 - is "Mommy!  Mommy!  MOMMY!!!!" 

My almost 2 year-old child is constantly saying my name from the moment her eyes open and her feet hit the floor.  Almost ceasingly, she goes throughout her day yelling my name while she roams around, seeking to find me.  Sometimes I wonder if she even knows another word or recognizes the fact that someone else in the house - besides Mommy - can help meet her need/want/desire!

Just this morning my little toddler said my name EIGHT times in a row while she sat in her high chair and watched me prepare her breakfast.  She wanted to eat and she wanted the food NOW.  Obviously in her mind, saying my name repeatedly, each time with increased volume and fervency, would prod me to work faster in getting her meal ready.  

One would think that as a mother, I would love to hear the sound of my name being repeated over and over again - that the very utterance of my name would be as a melody in my ear.  That simply is not the case.  All I wanted to do this morning was to muzzle my child!  I jokingly asked my husband if there is a surgery - similar to that of taking away a dog's ability to bark - that could be performed on my toddler until she broadens her vocabulary.  Sadly, there is not, and although the very idea is inhumane, I wonder why it crosses my mind so frequently?

Before you judge, you have to remember that I have SIX children at home with me - all day long - who also love to say my name.  So, add five other children into the mix with the toddler who is always shouting my name and you can better understand why I am beginning to loathe my name! 

Ah, "Mommy" - I do love my name and I realize that the day is coming when I will want my kids to utter my name more frequently because they will be in that stage of development where Mom is so not cool but for now, I could stand to hear my name a little less.  Well, at least having a child say my name in a quieter tone and not so demanding!  :-)